Processing Numbness

They say after someone passes it takes a year for it to really set in. In my case,  it has taken several years. Life was busy and changing at a rapid pace. When my Mom died I had four little ones, an eight year old, a four year old, a twenty month old baby and a five month old baby. Life was busy and I didn't have much time to stop and process. Three months after my Mom passed I got pregnant, my due date was February 20th, one year to the day of my Mom's death. I delivered a precious baby boy. Two months later I was pregnant once more, this time delivering a sweet baby girl. My Mom had been gone seven months when my Dad remarried. I was (and remain to be) happy for him. However, that is another area that I didn't have a chance to stop and process. So I numbed myself. Which means I have, to one degree or another, been emotionally numb to those areas of my life for the past four and a half years. It is only now that my kids play independently long enough for me to temporarily feel the sting of the pain.

Slowly I am beginning to process the past five years of my life. Today we drove past the cemetery. Chad asked if I wanted to stop. I have only been once since my Mom passed. I have never seen her grave marker, and was a little nervous since I knew it was a picture of her. I felt as though having to see her face on a slab of granite might make the experience too real. Like one I couldn't numb myself through. Because the kids were with us I said yes. I can handle anything in the presence of their sweet little faces. So Chad and I pulled up and walked around until we found her site. Her grave marker was truly much more beautiful than I had imagined. Chad walked back to the van and got the kids. I stayed and thought about her passing from this life to the one she now lives. I thought of how thankful I am for the upbringing I had and the leagacy she left. The kids all came over, quite excited, because kids are always excited. At first they stood around taking in all the sights and sounds. Then they sat around her grave marker. We talked about her being in heaven and how we miss her. Maezy traced all the letters of my Mom's name with her fingers and told me all of the letter names and sounds. Greysen wanted to go home to get a shovel to dig Granny up (no, I'm not kidding) and Bella and Hudsyn were concerned because we were sitting on Granny's body! The humor definetley helped ease the pain. Tristin was very sweet but quiet, he remembers my Mom quite well, the girls only remember her from pictures of my Mom and them. 

I have maintained that I didn't go because I know she isn't there. Which is ture, but I think that fact was mixed with not wanting to deal with emotions that are bigger than I am. I'm not sure how long it would have taken me to decide I wanted to go on my own. I am so glad my husband gently prodded me out of my comfort zone today.

Here are a few pictures he captured on my phone while we were at the cemetery today...